I recently drafted a blog on my current Paleo experience, but I haven’t gotten around to finishing it. I’ll have to get to that some other time.
Today, I went in for my Day 13 Ultrasound. This is the 4thcycle of fertility treatment, so I’ve gotten pretty familiar with the Ultrasound Technicians as I’ve had 2-3 u/s (ultrasounds) per cycle. I usually get a girl named Whitney. She kind of reminds me of Hilary Duff with a short bob haircut.. The first time I met her, I made the mistake of asking some questions about her life while she was examining me.. I say mistake because she got lost in the conversation while the u/s “wand” was still inside of me (she talks w/her hands & one of her hands happened to be holding the wand). It also prolonged the process, so as much as I want to chat, I try to avoid making conversation during the procedure.. I did learn a lot about her that day. And she has become very acquainted with my uterus and ovaries these last few months..
Anyway, the visits have become pretty routine, and I’ve come to expect hearing certain things each time. At the Day 3 u/s, Whitney (or whoever the u/s tech is that day) tells me that I don’t have any cysts, everything looks good, and to go ahead and start the medication (Letrozole). At the Day 13 u/s , they usually tell me how many follicles I have and what size they are. Other than the 1st cycle, when they told me the follicles were too small and to come back in 2 days, the follicles are usually mature or close to it, so the u/s tech talks to my Dr, and he tells her to tell me that I can do the trigger shot that evening (Ovidrel).
I get pretty excited to hear how big the follicles are because they seem to get slightly bigger each time. Today, the u/s seemed to be taking longer than usual. It seemed a little more thorough than usual too. After laying in silence for about 5 minutes, I asked Whitney, “Could you tell me how big the follicles are today?” She said, “Sure, but I’m still looking at your uterus.. have you had any surgeries?” “Nope.” And then silence. I kind of wondered why she asked me that. I assumed she must’ve seen something abnormal, but I didn’t think that much of it. After a few more minutes she said, “There are two follicles on your right side – 17.5mm & 18.8mm.” That was pretty exciting to me! Last month, the largest follicle was 17.5mm. I thought to myself how promising that sounded and mentally patted myself on the back for doing everything “right” this month (in terms of things I’ve done for my physical health).
After a couple more minutes, Whitney let me know she would step out and let me change. When she returned, she told me my Dr was on the phone for me. She handed me the phone and stepped out of the room. He said, “Follicles look good! Go ahead and trigger tonight, but I want you to make an appt for 3-4 weeks from now if you don’t... no actually just go ahead and make an appt with my office please. The technician said that you have a small Septate Uterus.. For now, we won’t be changing our plan of action, so go ahead and do the trigger, but make the appt with my office as well, and go ahead and look that up – that’s Septate [pause] Uterus. It’s like a divider in a room, but it divides your uterus.” “Okay, sounds good,” I lied. It doesn’t sound good. I didn’t know what it was, but it sounded like we had been wasting time trying for years on our own and now months with these fertility treatments.
I texted my husband what the Dr said, and he immediately began researching Septate Uterus on the internet & sending me information.
I went and got my regular bloodwork done, then I left the hospital thinking something was wrong with me. “This is why we haven’t gotten pregnant. It’s because of me.” But then I thought, “I guess this is kind of comforting.. to know there is some sort of problem because then we can focus on a solution.” My thoughts are often like that… negative at first until the optimistic side of my brain pipes up. They’re both equally loud. I usually make the hopeful side win, but this time I can see both sides.
From what I read online, a Septate Uterus can be fixed with a small surgery. Women don’t normally find out they have one until they’ve had troubles conceiving. And if there is a pregnancy, it usually ends in miscarriage. You can read about it here: http://www.babymed.com/info/septate-uterus
I drove to CVS on my way back to work, so I could pick up the trigger shot and estrogen pills. My husband called. I didn’t want to sound like a downer, so I tried to watch my tone. I don’t think it worked. He asked me what I was thinking, and that’s when I lost it.. “I’m thinking… that this treatment is pointless, and even if I do get pregnant, it’s going to end in another miscarriage…” I could hardly talk because I was crying so hard. It’s been a year since I was pregnant & it has been a long time since I’ve felt emotional over the miscarriage. But to imagine having another miscarriage.. the thought made me crumble today.
It was therapeutic to cry like that.. like the tears were exorcists casting out some of my worries.
Thanks for reading!
