Feelings, Friday, Fertility

Feeling pretty good right now. It's Friday, I've started putting up Christmas decorations, and I had a great anniversary. Way different than how I was feeling a couple months ago! October is when we started the first round of fertility treatment. This is what's happened from beginning to present:

10/22 Day 1 Ultrasound; Normal
10/24 - 11/2 Letrozole
11/3 Day 13 Ultrasound; Follicles not big enough
11/5 Day 15 Ultrasound; 2 Follicles on left side w/largest at 16mm

Dr says to go forward with trigger shot. I try to convince nurse friend to come over and give me shot. She has to work. I try to give it to myself. I hold needle like dart, aim at thigh, go through the motion about 20 times.. give up and call husband into room.. I cry, he laughs.. stabs me with GIANT needle (not really, but that didn't matter).

11/6 Lab work (Lab tech misses twice then calls someone else lol); Estrogen levels normal
11/22 Day 1 Ultrasound (1st cycle unsuccessful); Normal
11/24 - 12/3 Letrozole
12/4 Day 13 Ultrasound; Largest follicle on right side is 18.5mm/Lab work; Estrogen levels are low - start taking Estradiol 3 xs per day

Dr says to trigger shot. Now that husband is "experienced," I'm feeling more comfortable.. only a little more comfortable.. but no tears this time. That was 2 days ago.

I'm feeling tremendously better this time around.. more relaxed. During the 1st cycle of treatment I was feeling really anxious, stressed out, depressed, and highly emotional. When I started the medication, I had the worst cystic acne breakout I have ever experienced. Not only did my face hurt, but my self-esteem took a severe hit (as vain as that sounds). I cancelled on all social gatherings because I had a hard time being around anyone. I avoided people at any cost, so nobody would look at me. I would've called in to work sick, but I knew it would take several weeks to get better, and I couldn't be out that long. I honestly felt like a monster.

I also kept looking down this imaginary road ahead, envisioning us going through several unsuccessful rounds of treatment, then unsuccessful attempts with IUI, and then failed attempts with IVF. I was feeling defeated already. To be completely honest, I felt pissed off that we even needed medication.

When my period started after the first round, I was pretty bummed. But I decided I can't continue to think the same way. I was making myself unhappy as well as others around me.. And I'm just not willing to live like that.

Not to say I won't feel bummed if the treatment is unsuccessful. I'll still have feelings of disappointment and times where I'm feeling down. The extensive spectrum of emotions is just part of being female. The point is to not let myself stay down for very long. I have a satisfying and fulfilling life because I choose to.. so here's to reminding myself that I have control of my attitude even if I don't have control over what happens.

Prayers & positive thoughts always welcome!

HAPPY FRIDAY!

The Comeback

It's been nearly two years since I've posted anything. When I returned to school, there was a lot of writing involved, which deterred me from blogging. Not just because school takes up a lot of time, but sometimes when you have a responsibility to do something.. it takes all the fun away! I loathe writing for school. I immediately revert to a young child when I find out I have to write a paper for school. I don't want to write! I don't want to learn! I'm an adult, and you can't make me!

I am not back to post anything new or profound. I am not trying to move or enlighten anyone. I am back because I realize blogging is a fun and therapeutic activity to reflect and express my capricious thoughts, and if anyone is interested in seeing what is going on in my head and life, they are welcome to read it here.

REWIND! Here is a highlight reel of the last couple years:

Jan 2012 - Quit Smoking Habitually (continued smoking throughout the year about once a month)
Feb 2012 - Began a Marathon Training Program (Hal Higdon Novice 1)
Mar 2012 - Completed AABA
May 2012 - Completed 1st Half Marathon (Get in Gear; Minneapolis)
Jul 2012 - Began BBA in Accounting
Aug 2012 - Completed 2nd Half Marathon (Burli-Mot; Minot)
Sept 2012 - Completed 1st Full Marathon while celebrating 27th birthday (Kroll's Diner Bismarck Marathon; Bismarck) Followed by Trip to Vegas! Best. Birthday. Ever.
Jan 2013 - Quit Smoking for Good!
Feb 2013 - Purchased our First House & Found out Pregnant after 3 Yrs TTC*
Mar 2013 - Miscarriage
May 2013 - Completed 3rd Half Marathon (Scheels Fargo Half Marathon; Fargo)
Aug 2013 - Completed 4th Half Marathon (Burli-Mot; Minot)
Sept 2013 - Completed 5th Half Marathon and Placed 2nd in Women Under 30 (Striker Life Half Marathon; Minot AFB)
Oct 2013 - Began Fertility Treatment (1st Round)
Nov 2013 - My primary focus is reconnecting with God, being a good wife, and my health. I believe all of those things are essential to "living life to the fullest."

So, that is a recap of the last couple years, some good, some bad, but mostly great! That brings us to the present. We just started the 2nd round of fertility treatment. That is what dominates my mind these days. I have so many thoughts and emotions about this that change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute, but I'm trying to keep it together and under control. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I have to remind myself of  that.

I love going to sleep and waking up everyday next to my best friend and kicking life's ass together, but I can't wait until we create a life together that we can hold in our arms, tuck into bed, teach and learn from and watch grow up... But as I've been learning, life doesn't always happen as you plan or hope, so for now I have to be flexible and patient (two foreign concepts to me) and see what life has in store for us. So, that is where I am and those are my uncensored thoughts.

*TTC is an acronym I picked up from the baby boards, which stands for Trying To Conceive