Feeling pretty good right now. It's Friday, I've started putting up Christmas decorations, and I had a great anniversary. Way different than how I was feeling a couple months ago! October is when we started the first round of fertility treatment. This is what's happened from beginning to present:
10/22 Day 1 Ultrasound; Normal
10/24 - 11/2 Letrozole
11/3 Day 13 Ultrasound; Follicles not big enough
11/5 Day 15 Ultrasound; 2 Follicles on left side w/largest at 16mm
Dr says to go forward with trigger shot. I try to convince nurse friend to come over and give me shot. She has to work. I try to give it to myself. I hold needle like dart, aim at thigh, go through the motion about 20 times.. give up and call husband into room.. I cry, he laughs.. stabs me with GIANT needle (not really, but that didn't matter).
11/6 Lab work (Lab tech misses twice then calls someone else lol); Estrogen levels normal
11/22 Day 1 Ultrasound (1st cycle unsuccessful); Normal
11/24 - 12/3 Letrozole
12/4 Day 13 Ultrasound; Largest follicle on right side is 18.5mm/Lab work; Estrogen levels are low - start taking Estradiol 3 xs per day
Dr says to trigger shot. Now that husband is "experienced," I'm feeling more comfortable.. only a little more comfortable.. but no tears this time. That was 2 days ago.
I'm feeling tremendously better this time around.. more relaxed. During the 1st cycle of treatment I was feeling really anxious, stressed out, depressed, and highly emotional. When I started the medication, I had the worst cystic acne breakout I have ever experienced. Not only did my face hurt, but my self-esteem took a severe hit (as vain as that sounds). I cancelled on all social gatherings because I had a hard time being around anyone. I avoided people at any cost, so nobody would look at me. I would've called in to work sick, but I knew it would take several weeks to get better, and I couldn't be out that long. I honestly felt like a monster.
I also kept looking down this imaginary road ahead, envisioning us going through several unsuccessful rounds of treatment, then unsuccessful attempts with IUI, and then failed attempts with IVF. I was feeling defeated already. To be completely honest, I felt pissed off that we even needed medication.
When my period started after the first round, I was pretty bummed. But I decided I can't continue to think the same way. I was making myself unhappy as well as others around me.. And I'm just not willing to live like that.
Not to say I won't feel bummed if the treatment is unsuccessful. I'll still have feelings of disappointment and times where I'm feeling down. The extensive spectrum of emotions is just part of being female. The point is to not let myself stay down for very long. I have a satisfying and fulfilling life because I choose to.. so here's to reminding myself that I have control of my attitude even if I don't have control over what happens.
Prayers & positive thoughts always welcome!
HAPPY FRIDAY!
You will need to print this post and frame it when you have a 3 year old that you're at witts end with. That way you can be reminded of how hard you tried to have this child that is driving you up the wall.
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