Happy Holidays!

Ahhh it has been a great vacation at home.. I'm no artist, but drawing or painting + coffee creates a perfect morning.

The holidays are almost over! <-- That's more of a distressed exclamation because I love the holiday season so much.. Only the New Year celebration is left. It's kind of interesting that we make such a big deal about the date changing, but when you think about it, it's more about the idea of having a clean slate and a fresh start.. leaving the previous year's disappointments behind.. creating new goals.. feeling renewed!

For some people, the new year brings new resolutions, which is awesome! Creating goals (small or big) is necessary for everyone... I know I will always be a work in progress, and I will never be perfect, but I will always try, and I will be relentless. If the plan for your goal doesn't work, change the plan - not the goal. But I don't normally make a New Year's Resolution because I feel like I am pretty aware of my flaws (most of them), and I continuously try to improve myself throughout the year.. so I will share my Everyday Resolutions in no particular order:

1. Be more transparent. What I mean by this is that I want to be more open. I've always been a pretty private, sometimes closed off person, so it can be hard to get to know me. Most people close to me are very resilient.. maybe even pushy.. lol.

2. Be nicer. I guess this one is pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes I am not as nice as I could be, and I need to try harder to be nice to every person no matter what mood I am in.

3. Stress less. I need to stress less about things that are out of my control.. I need to focus more on maintaining my mental health and relationships rather than trying to get everything checked off the checklist. Not overscheduling myself and not procrastinating will definitely help also.

4. Be more Christ-like. This goal is the toughest and encompasses so much (including the above goals). Within this goal, I have an infinite amount of goals such as being a better spouse, a more selfless friend, being more forgiving, compassionate, generous, less judgmental, the list could go on forever.

The year 2013 has been one for the books. There were a lot of great memories made, and the best part is -- I can actually remember them. It's the 1st year, in the last 15 years, where I have had (any) alcohol on maybe 5 occasions (or less) and did not black out once! My marriage is stronger than ever and I'm healthier than ever, but there has been the dark cloud of the miscarriage and unsuccessful fertility treatments looming overhead. Nevertheless, this year has been great, but I welcome 2014 and all that it brings!

Here's a look back at some of the big moments of the last year..

We bought our first house!

 

 

 

Found out we were pregnant!

(Our niece in a "I'm going to be a big cousin!" onesie to tell my parents)

 

Trip to San Diego

Took our nieces to Disneyland

 

 

Flowers from coworkers after loss of pregnancy

 

 

Rented a lake cabin in Minnesota

(our 8 yr old dog went swimming for the 1st time)

 Horsebackriding & hiking in Medora

 

 

Finished 3 half marathons

 

 

Celebrated 5 years of marriage!

 

 

Had a wonderful first Christmas in our new home...

 

Here's to an incredible 2013

& an even better 2014!

 

 

 

 

 

Xfit Day (Fitness Post)

I declared Saturdays as Crossfit Day a couple months ago. I love traditional weightlifting, and I love running, and I love trying new workouts. I had been wanting to check out Crossfit for a while, and the local Crossfit scheduler didn't coordinate with my work/school scheduler, so Saturday was the winner. If you want to look at it like that!

Before going into Crossfit, this is what I knew (or thought I knew): Burpees, box jumps, kettlebells, clean & jerks, weird "pullups," knee high socks, douchebags that think their workout is harder than anyone else's. I thought, "I can run a marathon, I can do insanity-type workouts, I can lift weights, I can do real pullups. Forging elite fitness, yeah right!"

After going to Crossfit for a couple months (and only once per week), this is what I have learned: I am the douchebag.

I fell in love with running and weightlifting because you set goals for yourself, you conquer them, then you feel amazing! You see yourself getting faster, stronger, and fitter each week. Crossfit crushes those feelings lol. Crossfit makes you feel defeated in the beginning. It hurts the pride. But now I'm in love with Crossfit because it is truly the hardest workout I have ever done, it forces you to humble yourself and see that you can go so much further than you have even when you have already come a long way.

I'm starting to feel more accomplished after Crossfit workouts now, but I won't be letting it get to my head again lol. I should also add that I love the Crossfit community - there are a lot of extremely fit, humble people that really enjoy encouraging each other and working together. Most of the people that I have met there seem like wonderful characters that I would be honored to have as friends.

The fitness lessons I learned that can be applied to all aspects of life.. Work hard, then work harder. Stay humble. Never become complacent. Stop judging books by their cover!

On another note, I'm not going to Crossfit today. The -45 windchill has defeated my desire to forge elite fitness.

Feelings, Friday, Fertility

Feeling pretty good right now. It's Friday, I've started putting up Christmas decorations, and I had a great anniversary. Way different than how I was feeling a couple months ago! October is when we started the first round of fertility treatment. This is what's happened from beginning to present:

10/22 Day 1 Ultrasound; Normal
10/24 - 11/2 Letrozole
11/3 Day 13 Ultrasound; Follicles not big enough
11/5 Day 15 Ultrasound; 2 Follicles on left side w/largest at 16mm

Dr says to go forward with trigger shot. I try to convince nurse friend to come over and give me shot. She has to work. I try to give it to myself. I hold needle like dart, aim at thigh, go through the motion about 20 times.. give up and call husband into room.. I cry, he laughs.. stabs me with GIANT needle (not really, but that didn't matter).

11/6 Lab work (Lab tech misses twice then calls someone else lol); Estrogen levels normal
11/22 Day 1 Ultrasound (1st cycle unsuccessful); Normal
11/24 - 12/3 Letrozole
12/4 Day 13 Ultrasound; Largest follicle on right side is 18.5mm/Lab work; Estrogen levels are low - start taking Estradiol 3 xs per day

Dr says to trigger shot. Now that husband is "experienced," I'm feeling more comfortable.. only a little more comfortable.. but no tears this time. That was 2 days ago.

I'm feeling tremendously better this time around.. more relaxed. During the 1st cycle of treatment I was feeling really anxious, stressed out, depressed, and highly emotional. When I started the medication, I had the worst cystic acne breakout I have ever experienced. Not only did my face hurt, but my self-esteem took a severe hit (as vain as that sounds). I cancelled on all social gatherings because I had a hard time being around anyone. I avoided people at any cost, so nobody would look at me. I would've called in to work sick, but I knew it would take several weeks to get better, and I couldn't be out that long. I honestly felt like a monster.

I also kept looking down this imaginary road ahead, envisioning us going through several unsuccessful rounds of treatment, then unsuccessful attempts with IUI, and then failed attempts with IVF. I was feeling defeated already. To be completely honest, I felt pissed off that we even needed medication.

When my period started after the first round, I was pretty bummed. But I decided I can't continue to think the same way. I was making myself unhappy as well as others around me.. And I'm just not willing to live like that.

Not to say I won't feel bummed if the treatment is unsuccessful. I'll still have feelings of disappointment and times where I'm feeling down. The extensive spectrum of emotions is just part of being female. The point is to not let myself stay down for very long. I have a satisfying and fulfilling life because I choose to.. so here's to reminding myself that I have control of my attitude even if I don't have control over what happens.

Prayers & positive thoughts always welcome!

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Five Years

I often evaluate our marriage and look at the duration of our time together. We are celebrating five years of marriage in a couple days, and I enjoy seeing how far we have come!

We knew each other for a whole 6 months and 8 days when we said our vows in the courthouse. We didn't have rings to exchange, our witnesses were employees at the courthouse, and our families first heard of our plans as we were driving home after the ceremony to get ready for work that day.

["I don't even know her last name!" his mom exclaimed. "Yeah, you do.. it's the same as mine!"]

We were in love.. crazy, irrational, head-over-heels, floating on cloud 9 type of love.

But five years ago, we were strangers. Strangers that loved what we knew of each other. We had just moved to a new state, far away from familiar faces or any support of loved ones. And as if we didn't already have the tools for success, we also shared a common love of alcohol.

Our lives revolved around drinking and cigarettes. We spent our nights in a haze. During the day, we were just getting by, trying to pass as responsible young adults, be "functioning alcoholics," and just make it until the evening came so we could drink again. We'd have our drunken talks, talking about our lives before we knew each other and the future life we wanted to create. We also had our alcohol-fueled arguments about whether the color of the pillow on TV was actually green or purple, or argue about a completely hypothetical situation, and whatever else we could create an argument about (while brushing off any suggestions that alcohol might be a problem).

The turning point was when we turned to running. His mom led the way when she completed her first marathon, about 50 pounds overweight at the time. We began replacing alcohol with running, and little by little we started turning our talks about the future into action. As we focused more on our physical health, we also improved our marital health.

As I sobered, I learned more about the person I was married to.. a strong but sensitive, stubborn but easygoing, sarcastic but good-humored man who made it his primary goal in life to make me happy.. a sometimes difficult undertaking. We also learned we are complete opposites. He recently told someone I was "his yin to his yang," and I think that perfectly demonstrates his unconditional love and acceptance of our differences. Most of all, I learned he is resilient. That WE are resilient. In our marriage, while trying to learn more about him, I have learned so much about myself.

Five years ago, we walked into the courthouse as strangers. In that time, we have grown as individuals, and we've grown together, and this is just the beginning of our love story!

To my heart,

I promise to continue to be your yin. I promise to be beside you through any and all obstacles. I promise to always love you, never settling for average. And I promise to always strive to be the best version of myself as we continue to learn more about each other and life.

Happy anniversary!

Feed My Starving Children

I recently joined a local organization for young professionals that want to network while getting involved with the community. About a month ago, the committee I am on decided it wanted to participate in the Feed My Starving Children (FMSC) event that took place yesterday. I signed up right away and told my husband I was doing it. He asked me to sign him up too. We both only knew one thing about FMSC, and that was nothing. We heard the name "Feed My Starving Children" and assumed it was going to be a small group of people collecting and packing food donations.

Upon arriving at the State Fair Center yesterday, we had to search the crowd to find our team leader. She was easy to find because every team leader was holding a sign with the committee name. When the rest of the 8 person team arrived, we followed the signs to the orientation. Orientation on packing food? That's a little excessive, right? That's what I was thinking.. but I followed the signs, checked my coat in, and picked up my hairnet as directed.

Then we were told to sit in the same row as our team. There were 3 sections in the seating area that was facing a projection screen. Each section had rows of chairs, and each row had 8 chairs. The leader of each team sat on a chair on the left end of the row. The leaders' chairs had the color and number of the packing table we would be at in the packing room (there were balloons on the tables with coordinating color and number). Once the chairs were filled and there were people standing in the overflow area, a representative began to talk on the stage. That's when we learned the magnitude of what we were about to participate in.

Feed My Starving Children is a Christian, non-profit organization based in Minnesota that travels around the country hosting food-packing events. The food is distributed through about 200 partners to 70 countries. The food is "scientifically-created" food called MannaPack Rice. It consists of a vitamin powder, dehydrated vegetables for nutrition and texture, soy flakes for protein, and rice for carbs. There was a lot of thought that went into creating these pouches of food -- it transports easily, it's cost effective, and the dominant ingredient (rice) is recognized in every country. The food was designed with severely malnourished children in mind.

On the projector screen, we watched a short clip of the food being cooked and served to children in the Philippines where a lot of their focus has been. It also showed FMSC partners that set up shop (for 3 years at a time) in villages living in extreme poverty to teach them how to create a self-sustaining community. You can learn more about FMSC and their partners on their website http://www.fmsc.org/.

After the video, we proceeded to the packing room and began our 1.5 hr shift (orientation took about half an hour). Each team was setup as an assembly line. One person would hold an empty MannaPack bag under a funnel. From there, I measured and scooped the vitamin powder and a scoop of dehydrated vegetables into the bag. A teammate scooped a portion of soy flakes, then rice into the bag. Then the bag was moved to a scale to make sure it was the correct weight. Then the bag was moved to the sealing station where one person held the top of the bag in the correct spot and another person used the sealing machine to seal the bag. Once there were 36 sealed bags, it was boxed and ready to go. The warehouse volunteers walked around filling supplies as they became low and wheeled the boxes away.

At the end of the shift, we gathered around the FMSC rep who wanted to share a story and a message. He described his personal experience when he had an opportunity to accompany one of the partners to a country where the food is distributed. Several pouches were poured into a large pot of boiling water while children waited in line for their serving. The food took about 30 minutes to cook, so the children placed a rock or, if they were lucky to have one, a bucket to hold their place in line while they ran around and played. When the food was ready, they went back to their place in line and waited very patiently for their turn. He said the thing that stood out the most was that the kids were the most patient kids he had ever seen and that they were not sad. They were content with what they had. The message he wanted to share was from a woman in the village who said to let "us" (the volunteers) know that they were praying for us.

It's hard to describe the emotion I felt throughout this experience. I was blown away by the volunteers, by the organization and its partners, but mostly by the people who don't have food to eat and are still happy and are praying for us. They gave me a lesson in appreciation and humility that I hope to carry with me forever.

Side note: Our shift packed 479 boxes of food which equates to 283 meals everyday for a year. The FMSC rep said that is about how much they usually pack in an entire event (each event has multiple shifts).

The Comeback

It's been nearly two years since I've posted anything. When I returned to school, there was a lot of writing involved, which deterred me from blogging. Not just because school takes up a lot of time, but sometimes when you have a responsibility to do something.. it takes all the fun away! I loathe writing for school. I immediately revert to a young child when I find out I have to write a paper for school. I don't want to write! I don't want to learn! I'm an adult, and you can't make me!

I am not back to post anything new or profound. I am not trying to move or enlighten anyone. I am back because I realize blogging is a fun and therapeutic activity to reflect and express my capricious thoughts, and if anyone is interested in seeing what is going on in my head and life, they are welcome to read it here.

REWIND! Here is a highlight reel of the last couple years:

Jan 2012 - Quit Smoking Habitually (continued smoking throughout the year about once a month)
Feb 2012 - Began a Marathon Training Program (Hal Higdon Novice 1)
Mar 2012 - Completed AABA
May 2012 - Completed 1st Half Marathon (Get in Gear; Minneapolis)
Jul 2012 - Began BBA in Accounting
Aug 2012 - Completed 2nd Half Marathon (Burli-Mot; Minot)
Sept 2012 - Completed 1st Full Marathon while celebrating 27th birthday (Kroll's Diner Bismarck Marathon; Bismarck) Followed by Trip to Vegas! Best. Birthday. Ever.
Jan 2013 - Quit Smoking for Good!
Feb 2013 - Purchased our First House & Found out Pregnant after 3 Yrs TTC*
Mar 2013 - Miscarriage
May 2013 - Completed 3rd Half Marathon (Scheels Fargo Half Marathon; Fargo)
Aug 2013 - Completed 4th Half Marathon (Burli-Mot; Minot)
Sept 2013 - Completed 5th Half Marathon and Placed 2nd in Women Under 30 (Striker Life Half Marathon; Minot AFB)
Oct 2013 - Began Fertility Treatment (1st Round)
Nov 2013 - My primary focus is reconnecting with God, being a good wife, and my health. I believe all of those things are essential to "living life to the fullest."

So, that is a recap of the last couple years, some good, some bad, but mostly great! That brings us to the present. We just started the 2nd round of fertility treatment. That is what dominates my mind these days. I have so many thoughts and emotions about this that change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute, but I'm trying to keep it together and under control. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I have to remind myself of  that.

I love going to sleep and waking up everyday next to my best friend and kicking life's ass together, but I can't wait until we create a life together that we can hold in our arms, tuck into bed, teach and learn from and watch grow up... But as I've been learning, life doesn't always happen as you plan or hope, so for now I have to be flexible and patient (two foreign concepts to me) and see what life has in store for us. So, that is where I am and those are my uncensored thoughts.

*TTC is an acronym I picked up from the baby boards, which stands for Trying To Conceive